Roadwolf's portal for his random thoughts and ponderings

Lifestyle and Erotica

The One?

Lifestyle and Erotica

I know I have found the one when...

1. Even seeing a message from them makes me smile. And knowing that she enjoys seeing messages from me.

2. I find myself attracted to her, and can see myself going out on the town with her by my side.

3. A simple word or string of words uttered by either of us can cause arousal.

4. We can't wait to communicate, or meet.

5. She specifically expresses interest in what I am doing, and wants pictures, and adores the pictures.

6. I find what she does intriguing and interesting.

7. The mention of a collar causes much excitement.

8. There is talk, whether a distant fantasy or a possible soon change of her moving in with me.

9. Our kinks and desires align, and aren't discouraged. And sexually we compliment each other.

10. We can finish each other's thoughts.

2022 Note: I have found The One with 'Whisperin'. She is a great gal. I find her to be attractive, both mentally and physically. She always has a smile and looks at things in a happy manner. We long for each other's company. She is interested and admires what I do, just as I find the same in what she does. We think similarly and also inspire each other. Read more

Roles and Titles

Lifestyle and Erotica

The BDSM community has many 'titles' or roles. In some cases, these roles or titles are self assigned, and therefore become a preference. In other cases they are assigned based upon the dynamics of how a relationship forms, or the role they naturally assume in said relationship.

Generally, roles and titles are non-transferable. This means that, if someone has granted someone else the title of their "Master", this doesn't mean that outside of that relationship they should claim that they are a "Master" in relation to others whom may not have formed a relationship with them yet. That being said, someone could state that they have been known as, or given the title of Master in past relationships. But claiming to be a Master in general is seen in poor taste. We are all always learning, and each relationship dynamic is new and should require a fresh start. A Dominant person should be mature enough to realize that they aren't God, and therefore they still are in a position to learn more.

The following are some of the roles and titles commonly encountered.
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BDSM Culture Explained

Lifestyle and Erotica

The BDSM craze and culture has been growing in popularity over the last ten years. There has surely been a lot of influence by popular stories and smut novels out there which have been written to pique the interest of a specific demographic of females. I am of course speaking about Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades is, in reality, an example of an abusive fantasy where the female is degraded and used. While the intimacy and sexual aspect of the story may have been intense, there were other aspects (like aftercare) which were missing. This, in turn, did more harm to the BDSM community in the long run.

BDSM is a community made up of varying cultures. As I discussed in a previous posts, BDSM is generally a very generic label which is more useful for describing a specific genre of pornography, than it is in describing a specific person and their interests. Typically, if someone describes themselves as being 'into' BDSM, they typically have some kinks which go beyond 'vanilla' bedroom activities. How the person maintains and handles a relationship involving these kinks is what differentiates people in the BDSM community.

The BDSM community is often misunderstood. Typically those involved in BDSM are very mature, and experienced people, looking to explore the enjoyment of their lives, and the ability to give others pleasure, to its fullest. But, due to its nature, there will always be bad eggs involved in BDSM. People who seek to manipulate, betray, control and harm others. People like this are abusers, and in my opinion should always be exposed and shamed. Always be wary, and seek some references or others opinions on a new relationship, before agreeing to anything.
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Troubles Finding a Sub

Lifestyle and Erotica Blog and Journal Thoughts and Politics

I keep on being told that my best bet to find a local sub, is to find a new sub... a young sub, whom I can train. They tell me I would be a good Daddy and that a new sub would do well to have me mentor them. The people who tell me this tend to be older subs who know me well.

My experience has been that younger subs tend to be more focused on sex. They do not wish to settle into any long term relationship or really seem to want a true Master. They, rather, believe and seem to want a 'Master' who just wants to focus on a sexual relationship.

Is this because, perhaps, the lifestyle has been so skewed by popular culture, that it is now shifting to become more focused on sex, than it has been in the past?

No Agenda recently brought up the topic that 'sex' in general seems to be a lot rougher these days then it has in the past. There are several theories, possibly many of them compounding together to have this effect.

One of the theories is that, because of popular fiction such as Fifty Shades, the idea of rough and 'abusive' sexual conduct, has been propagated as something that is to be desired and enjoyed.

Another theory is that because so many people are on Anti-Depressants, Anti-Anxiety and other drugs to numb people these days, the only way many people can even feel anything, is through rough sex. The problem is that in this case, often those same drugs will prevent or make any love based relationship bonding, very difficult.

Another compounded theory is that pop culture in general has been propagating the idea of kinky sex, feminism, and sexual freedom / sexual openness so popular and 'cool' now that people generally feel that an actual old school, long term D/s relationship is considered to be too restraining for people now?

In any case... Yeah, I would be a good caring Daddy. Yeah, I am an established, powerful, and level headed Dominant. Yeah, I encourage growth, self esteem, and self confidence of my submissive, and enjoy mentoring them. But... Will I find anyone who wants what I offer? hmmm... I dunno about that. Will I? Read more

SSC and The Lifestyle

Lifestyle and Erotica

I recently read a comment on a BDSM community discussion board. The comment mentioned that SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) was the only 'rule' when it comes to BDSM related matters. This made me raise my eyebrows. Sure, SSC is a good baseline to follow. But, this also brings into question what the BDSM community really is. There are aspects of BDSM related cultures which would suggest that there are far more rules to follow.

From my observations over the years, I have come to realize that the term BDSM really isn't an accurate way for someone to describe themselves. It would be like trying to label the new car you just bought as a 'motor vehicle'.
Person A: Hey buddy! I just bought a new motor vehicle today!
Person B: Cool, what kind?
Person A: It is a motor vehicle.

Doesn't really give much information does it? I mean sure, we know it isn't a bicycle. Just like if someone says they are into BDSM, we know they aren't vanilla.

It is often said that BDSM is a sub-culture. Maybe... But I think that BDSM has it's own sub-cultures under it in addition. The culture of kinksters, and D/s lifestylers are quite different. Both fall under the genre of the BDSM world, but they are very different. A kinkster is focused on kinky fun, and typically on short term, Domination and submission focused roleplay in the bedroom. Where as a D/s (Dom/sub) lifestyler is focused on long term commitments based upon a Dominant and submissive relationship which develops over time, and isn't forced or pretend.

While the rules involved in being a kinkster may well be SSC, the rules involved in being a D/s lifestyler tend to be a tad more in depth. D/s Lifestylers tend to be more focused on honesty, trust, commitment, and a general compatibility of interests outside of the bedroom. The idea of collaring and possession in a lifestyle focused relationship is as serious as an agreement to get married in the vanilla world. It is not something to take lightly. Where as in the kinksters world, a collar is often given out and worn without the serious considering as to how long that bond may last.

Titles also differ between the two world as well. While sure, someone could be a Lifestyle Dom or a Kinkster Dom, and they may be very much identical. But the difference I notice is that kinksters like to give themselves titles and roleplay or act in accordance with those titles. Where as lifestylers tend to grow into their roles naturally, and only earn the titles through their actions and personality.

I have had many discussions with some females I speak to regularly who ask me questions such as: "Sir, why do I feel Dominant and aggressive against some male Doms? I am a sub, shouldn't I always bow down to them?". Indeed, in the more traditional, male focused, old school Lifestyle, you probably would of been punished for that. But that old school view was more a kin to a Master/slave relationship. Modern Lifestyle views tend not to be focused on Master / slave. Therefore, my response is that, yes... You may consider yourself a submissive. But since you haven't submit yourself to these Doms, you aren't a submissive to them. Also, there is no rule that you have to maintain your 'title' in every relationship or situation. Even in old school European Lifestyle, many submissives, became Domme's over others for the purposes of training or managing harems. So, I suppose the key here is that, no matter what you think you should be, just because someone claims to be something else (such as a Dom, Master, or sub), that title should not dictate how you treat them unless you choose to treat them that way.

(But generally, in my mind, approaching a stranger and saying you are a Dom, is absolutely silly and a sign of what I would call a Fake Dom. If you have to advertise it, you obviously have confidence issues and insecurity issues and maybe you shouldn't be participating in such a deep lifestyle, which can have serious effects on others involved. But that is my opinion...)

The Gorean subculture is yet another split from the BDSM world. Gorean is a fantasy based sub-culture based on a book series. The sub-culture aligns more with old-school European Lifestyler traits, in that it is focused on a male Dominated society where females may be used as slaves. However it goes beyond old-school European Lifestyle relationships. Gorean is generally considered to be more unrealistic than the fantasy portrayed in 50 Shades of Grey. Both fictional stories are generally frowned upon by the more traditional modern D/s community.

The typical 50 shades of grey fan will likely align themselves to being a kinkster. The ideas, maturity and development needed for more serious 'D/s lifestyle' based relationships are likely not going to develop without some training. So they end up focusing on bedroom fun. But the Gorean fans will tend to be very forceful in their ways. To many Gorean Dominants, any girl should automatically submit to them, or at least show them respect. In my opinion, this removes the Consensual aspect from SSC. The girls can't choose to submit to Gorean Doms, they are expected to submit. It is also my opinion that in many cases, a 'slave' isn't always a consenting slave. I believe that they tend to submit initially to the promise of fantasy and love, but often are not told of the more negative parts until they have already made a commitment. A commitment that they are often too fearful to break off. It is kinda like how the Army recruiter tells you that you will see the world, and it is like a fun vacation; but once you are in, you realize that it is pure shit.

So this shows that not every sub-culture within BDSM follows the general guideline of SSC. But like I said earlier, the acronym BDSM really doesn't do justice to the varied sub-cultures within the community. In my opinion, "BDSM" is just a label which is used to categorize pornography. Outside of that aspect, it really shouldn't be used to define anyone involved in the sub-cultures involved in it. Saying that you are a Kinkster, or a D/s Lifestyler, or a Gorean, will generally give someone a clearer indication as to your own rulesets than just saying that you are involved in the BDSM community. Read more be a Dom.

Lifestyle and Erotica

Having observed the online lifestyle subculture now for a few years, I can say that I really don't exactly affiliate with it very closely. Maybe, that means I am not a real Dom? Well, as far as soceital views go, maybe not. Society in general views Doms, today as masogynistic and generally abusive people who don't conform to the current 'equality' trend.

There are many aspects of the BDSM lifestyle which resonate with older belief systems. Valuing slaves as lesser humans, or even valuing them as worthless animals, is something that tends to be a real kink and interest in the community. Not only from the Doms perspective, but also from the slaves perspective. I see many profiles of unowned slaves seeking a Master who is capable of treating them like the pig they want to be. Degradation is indeed a big, and popular aspect of the lifestyle, in fact. But is someone who treats a slave like a pig, really abusive or masogynistic? I suppose it does depend on the person.

What urks me a little, is seeing so many younger people who claim to be Masters or Doms, or even Dommes/Mistresses. I know at the age of 18, I may have been a stubborne teenager, but I sure as hell wasn't confident enough to be a Dom. I was dominant, yes. I often made the first move and was the one who chased many girls... But that doesn't classify me as a Dom. I was still very immature at times, and often let my emotions run wild. Such a breakdown, can be devastating to a submissive whom looks up to their Dom as their angel and strength.

Therefore, I would say that anyone who does tend to call themselves a Dom or a Master at such a young age, is really not portraying the ideals of the lifestyle in a very realistic, or authentic manner. But then again we live in an era where people can place titles on themselves as often as they want. To have meaning however, such a title needs to be given to you be someone else. You have to have a sub call you a Master, or tell you that you are a good Dom, after they have known you for a while. That is what happened to me. I never really delved into this culture seriously, until I was told that I am a good and solid natural Dom. At which point, I began really looking into it.

I know that I never truly found myself, until I was around 30 years old. Up until that point, I always had questions about who I was, and who I should be. I think that is fairly normal for most people, heck some of the most interesting people I know, still don't know at the age of 45 what they want to do, or who they really are. In any case, until you come to peace with yourself, and your own insecurities, you can't really go around calling yourself a Master, in my opinion. Sure, insecurities and self respect and other such self esteem issues, are often central to the issues a sub faces, and needs a confident and respectful Dom to help them work past those issues. Sure, this is normal. But imagine if the Dom also had such issues from time to time? What would their sub feel, if the Dom can't even deal with his own self esteem issues?

Anyhow, this was just a short topic I kinda wanted to touch on. I know there is a lot of conjecture, and opinions. But... that is why this is my blog :) Read more

Courting and Dabbling

Lifestyle and Erotica

I suppose this is another life update, as I can't seem to quite narrow down a specific topic. So I will just type and see what I can formulate. Hmm so to update the world since the last posting... Gosh that was when? Ah yes. Only back in September! I forgot about that. Well indeed non-monogamy does have a part to play in this post as well. I remember writing that post because the issue was on my mind. Not only had I had to explain polyamory to many people, but I was also struggling with my own desires and goals.

Indeed for about a month, I had a short lived, but still very engaging relationship with a girl who lived here in my town. She was only a few blocks away in fact. We started off as friends on fetlife, but things escalated to the point where we were meeting in person to chat. We both knew from the start that we were each really seeking different things, but I think we were also both a little curious - so we decided to try and see where things went.

Unfortunately they didn't get too far. I was caught in an interesting area where the two of us were becoming quite sexually driven, and passionate (as a D/s relationship is...) but my wife had concerns on safety and needed to know that my partner was going to only be seeing me, for safety reasons. So in order to move on I kinda needed that, but my partner wasn't ready to commit to that just yet as she still wasn't sure if things would work out. So this became an impasse which eventually ended things.

Of note, as an example of just how much self control I have, the fact that she wouldn't commit to me in some meaningful form meant I wouldn't have sexual relations with her. This was tested when, one day she invited me over and was laying completely naked in bed, her legs spread. I wouldn't do it. I sat there and pet her, and caressed her, but I didn't have sex with her. Even when she went into the bathroom to pee, keeping the door opened, so I could see - knowing full well that watersports is one of my biggest fetishes, I still wouldn't do it. Why not? Because she wouldn't commit to me, and because my wife didn't want me playing with her if she didn't commit to me.

I have been getting back into IMVU a tad. I really have kind of convinced myself that a sub is something I want I suppose. Specifically a local or live in sub. So I have been kinda looking, possibly too hard, for someone who is looking for what I have to offer, and whom knows what they are getting into. I don't want to get lost in another IMVU roleplay focused relationship... I need to start focusing on real life things. I can't sit here and waste my life away sitting online all the time.
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Sub Games

Lifestyle and Erotica

The challenge of finding the right sub, can be a difficult task for a Dom. The bond between Dom and sub, is one that I find, doesn't really just form with anyone. It can not be forced, but rather nurtured and molded into existence. But at the same time, both Dom and sub must sacrifice in order to make the bond work.

I am tired of subs who are just seeking play. I have had requests to collar subs, when in turn the sub requesting the collar doesn't really know what she is requesting. She thinks it is just some game, some kinky playtime, and that will be sufficient. No.... It is more. It is a complete submission and dedication. Honest, and true commitment. Completely breaking the subs walls down, and helping her become the best she can be. It is a change.

Recently in a conversation with an online friend, she randomly brought up that she would love to be my sub. Knowing her personality, and how incompatible we would be, I said really? You know I would have to completely break you down? She said "I wouldn't be me if you broke me down completely." I said that to give yourself as a sub, is to offer yourself to be molded by your Dom. She then said that she would likely not be a good sub then and that she is happy with who she is, and doesn't think she needs to change anything. Knowing she is very insecure, I said "Why do you have such a hard time sharing photos then? (if you are as happy with who you are as you say...)". She says because she feels compromised, by showing her body. Which may be true, but its also because shes not happy with it. Me? I think shes wonderful. But she doesn't see that - She has told me before how it bothered her to show herself.

For me however, it is more complicated. For the sub needs to not only give herself to me, but also to make an effort to form a relationship with my wife. Being polyamorous, leaning towards polyfaithful, that communication is very important to me. In fact, pretty much required. Jealousy has no place in such a relationship.

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