Roadwolf's portal for his random thoughts and ponderings

Lifestyle and Erotica

The One?

Lifestyle and Erotica

I know I have found the one when...

1. Even seeing a message from them makes me smile. And knowing that she enjoys seeing messages from me.

2. I find myself attracted to her, and can see myself going out on the town with her by my side.

3. A simple word or string of words uttered by either of us can cause arousal.

4. We can't wait to communicate, or meet.

5. She specifically expresses interest in what I am doing, and wants pictures, and adores the pictures.

6. I find what she does intriguing and interesting.

7. The mention of a collar causes much excitement.

8. There is talk, whether a distant fantasy or a possible soon change of her moving in with me.

9. Our kinks and desires align, and aren't discouraged. And sexually we compliment each other.

10. We can finish each other's thoughts.

2022 Note: I have found The One with 'Whisperin'. She is a great gal. I find her to be attractive, both mentally and physically. She always has a smile and looks at things in a happy manner. We long for each other's company. She is interested and admires what I do, just as I find the same in what she does. We think similarly and also inspire each other. Read more

The Olive Tree

Lifestyle and Erotica

It is no secret that I have been considered a Dom at times. Yes, I do dabble in the lifestyle of BDSM, and the level I dabble at, varies based on whatever relationship I am in and my partners comfort level with it. I have been told I do have skilled hands, and that I am well educated in the safety and pleasure aspect of the lifestyle. This does not make me a sex crazed, or ultra controlling individual. In fact I find I am more reserved and content than most. I value genuine intimacy, over simple fun.

With that said, let us examine the meat of this post. A poem a friend shared with me.

*** This is not written by me, but by an Unknown Author. I post it because it is beautiful. ***

A confused sub came before a wise Master who adored her. She felt that
to submit to him would mean she would open her heart to unbearable pain
should he ever leave her. She hungered for him and needed him, but was ready to walk away in panic.

The gentle Master knelt her before him and started a tale of love and
devotion. As she looked up at him his arms began to widen and open like
a large tree stretches its branches to the sky. At that moment the Master
appeared rooted to the floor and his impressive size towered above her
like a giant tree. Then he began to speak...

I'm here for you... now and always no matter how far time and space
takes us... Whether you walk away from me today or you stay and serve me I
will not turn from you. I am as patient as time itself; I will take not from
you unless you give freely and completely of yourself, but I give onto you
regardless-- for my love is unconditional...

Like the olive tree that can both feed you and shade you, I am there
seemingly eternal to your short life on this earth.
If you need my fruit to feed your hunger I will give you all the fruit you need. If your skin
grows dry and loses its luster, the oil from my fruit will restore it and make it
glisten. When you need comfort my leaves will gently caress your face
with the slightest breeze. When you need discipline my branches will correct
you when the wind blows strong. If you just need my shade to protect you
from the sun, my branches will shade and protect you. If you need warmth at
night my fallen branches will fuel the fire to keep you warm and safe. If you
need a refreshing breeze my leaves will fan you and cool you. You are my

When you submit to me, you tend that which keeps me vibrant and full of
life. When you kneel under me and till the soil, you give breath to my
roots. When you water me, my sap flows strong through me raising my
limping Branches. When you soil yourself collecting fertilizer with your bare
hands, you strengthen and humble me with your devotion.

Although my life will go on, life would not be the same without you.

Your dedication and unconditional care for me keeps me vibrant and
nurtures my very core. The sustenance and protection I give you seems little
reward for your servitude. Still the gardener serves the tree from her heart
and the tree gives to her heart all that he can!

I am planted firmly on the ground and cannot follow you if you walk
away from me.... But be assured I will survive. One hundred years later and
two of your lifetimes; I will still be there, waiting for you in the same
spot to offer you all that I do now.

Stay with me and be my gardener. You cannot get lost in me for we are
complementary to each other. I am your devotion, and you give meaning
to my existence. Apart we live life and survive; together we bloom eternally!

As the Master finished his last words the sub cried herself to
sleep at his feet. That night, he stood planted there like the Olive tree
offering her his unconditional love and protection as she slept. As she would
tend to him with her devotion the next day... and everyday thereafter!

-Unknown- Read more


Lifestyle and Erotica

Sable has been living with me at home for over a week now. Our relationship is developing well. We are like a young, happy couple. But, while this is great for myself, whom has been loveless and depressed for a few years now, it is not great for Jolie.

Back in early 2017 Jolie told me that she wants to consider us separated from now on. Still married, and living together, but emotionally separated, and moving onward in our lives in the emotional sense. Since then she has been making efforts towards separating her finances, and any shared assets with me. She has been sleeping in her own bed for almost 2 years now. She has spoken many times of eventually planning on moving out, and leaving me the home.

The last time we had sexual relations, she claimed that the experience was 'too intense' for her, and that she didn't like how the expeirence made her body feel for the next few days, and claimed that she doesn't wish to have sexual relations anymore, due to those strange imbalances she felt. That was roughly a year and a half ago.

In the days before Sable showed up, Jolie was apprehensive about Sable joining us. Initially, Jolie wanted Sable to move in and live with us, several years ago when she first heard of Sable's situation. But over the years, her opinion of Sable had changed. I asked Jolie if she had any interest in rebuilding an emotional relationship with me, and she said that was not something she wished to do. I asked her if she was still planning on moving out and venturing down her own path, and she said yeah, eventually. But that she was content with the status quo at the moment.

That being said, while Jolie was apprehensive with Sable moving in, she also helped out quite a bit, by lending money to assist with Sable's rescue. Without Jolie's help, I never would of been able to rescue Sable, and bring her in to live with me.

Now, a week later, Jolie seems quite emotionally upset. Hurt, or perhaps even jealous of the situation. Maybe she sees me having fun, and smiling with someone who isn't her, and regrets her choices over the years?

I am unsure what she expected from me. I mean, if she tells me she doesn't want any emotional attachment, nor any sexual interactions, nor any financial attachments... She wants to separate and eventually move out? But then she expects me to sit around, unhappy and lonely, until she is ready to make those moves? Yet, she tells me I can have a girlfriend live with me, if I wanted, but when that happens she becomes jealous.

Sorry, but at this point I am not sympathetic. Read more

The Rescue

Lifestyle and Erotica

October 20th 2014 was the day that my online friend Tailz, introduced me to Sable. Sable and I quickly grew close, often finishing each others thoughts, and finding that we have a lot of similar ways of looking at things. While we were both looking for RP partners, the relationship quickly developed beyond online Role Playing. On November 8th 2014, not even 3 weeks later, I had felt we were close enough that a collar was an option (both of us were aware that collaring was a very serious, deep commitment). I collared her in roleplay, and soon afterwards, purchased her a real life collar as a Christmas gift.

Our relationship was intense and dedicated, and I learned about her real life situation rather quickly. I hated that she suffered so much, and was a prisoner in her own home. I will admit that I tried very hard to get her away from there, whether it be her moving in to be with me, or her going home... or finding a place of her own. I just knew that she wasn't enjoying life where she was. Over the next 9 months, a common topic of discussion was plans for me to help her get out of that situation. She was receptive, but always pulled away at the last minute... unsure, weary... I understood, but it still pained me to see her suffering. And I believe she wanted to make me happy so badly, that it was tearing her apart inside, trying to bend in two ways. That is when I told her, that it was best that I uncollared her. I hated being the cause of more stress in her life to the extent that she was experiencing. On top of that, the stress was also felt on my end, with me ending up in the hospital with anxiety attacks a couple of times.

We spoke, and usually shared very deep emotions from time to time after the uncollaring. But at the same time we also both went off in search of a similar partner that would fill that gap left behind. I can't speak for sable, but in my case, I never did find anyone capable of filling that gap.

With Sable's natural loyality, she wanted to give her real life partner a chance... Maybe he would change... Maybe things would get better. But after a couple years, she realized that things haven't changed. After about a year since we had last spoken, she returned to the chat room, and within a week, we were making plans for another 'rescue' attempt.

I was honestly very surprised by this, and I'll admit I was caught very off guard. But I agreed to a date, September 10th 2018, for the rescue. Planning and preparation began. Studying the route, pricing out rental cars, and hotels... All sorts of stuff.

A week before the planned rescue we got some bad news. Her Grandmother passed away. It was a family crisis that brought the family together, and even her partner's family was involved. I was ready for Sable to tell me she needed to delay things... Or she couldn't do it. But no... She was ready. She was committed this time. That shocked me, and made me realize that shit was getting real. The plan was a go! But it wasn't without its challenges. Huge hoops to jump through! For one, Sable's mother was likely going to be opposed to her leaving her situation, and there was talk of her mother staying over night, the night before the Rescue. Which would mean she'd be there when I showed up. I was alright with this, but knew it might cause additional drama. However, the biggest hurtle for me, was, the day before I was going to leave to venture out that way, my bank called about fraudulent charges on my card, from Italy. They cancelled the card! So, shit! I had no money.

Luckily, Jolie helped me out big time, by offering me her credit card, to use for Gas purchases, and also by transferring some of my money to her account so she could pull out cash for me. Jolie's part in making this all happen was huge. Without her, it couldn't of happened.

The drive was long, and grueling. Driving through the wake of a Tropical Storm on the way out to Missouri, at night, was very thrilling at times. Luckily, I had Discord, and some friends, Dennis and Lyndsay joined me on a voice channel in Discord to chat with me for hours, along the route. The drive was very uneventful. I ended up stopping at a Hotel in Effington, IL which would accept Cash. Slept there for about 4 hours, then continued onward to Farmington Missouri. Upon getting to Farmington, I had studied the roads so well, that I knew them by memory. However, I will say that they were shorter and less distant than Google Maps made them appear to be. Before long I was pulling up to Sable's trailer. Knocking on her door, and when I saw her.. There was a wave of relief.

We packed the van up quickly, and bolted. Sable was a bit of a mess of emotions herself, but I think soon enough she began to ease up and relax. We spoke together as if we had known each other for ages. It seemed like a natural connection.

Sable is adjusting and finding her way to fit into my life. Her and Jolie are getting along for the most part. I believe Sable a lot happier, perhaps almost as happy as I am. The 4 past years, and the trials and stress... was all worth it. Read more

Roles and Titles

Lifestyle and Erotica

The BDSM community has many 'titles' or roles. In some cases, these roles or titles are self assigned, and therefore become a preference. In other cases they are assigned based upon the dynamics of how a relationship forms, or the role they naturally assume in said relationship.

Generally, roles and titles are non-transferable. This means that, if someone has granted someone else the title of their "Master", this doesn't mean that outside of that relationship they should claim that they are a "Master" in relation to others whom may not have formed a relationship with them yet. That being said, someone could state that they have been known as, or given the title of Master in past relationships. But claiming to be a Master in general is seen in poor taste. We are all always learning, and each relationship dynamic is new and should require a fresh start. A Dominant person should be mature enough to realize that they aren't God, and therefore they still are in a position to learn more.

The following are some of the roles and titles commonly encountered.
Read more

BDSM Culture Explained

Lifestyle and Erotica

The BDSM craze and culture has been growing in popularity over the last ten years. There has surely been a lot of influence by popular stories and smut novels out there which have been written to pique the interest of a specific demographic of females. I am of course speaking about Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades is, in reality, an example of an abusive fantasy where the female is degraded and used. While the intimacy and sexual aspect of the story may have been intense, there were other aspects (like aftercare) which were missing. This, in turn, did more harm to the BDSM community in the long run.

BDSM is a community made up of varying cultures. As I discussed in a previous posts, BDSM is generally a very generic label which is more useful for describing a specific genre of pornography, than it is in describing a specific person and their interests. Typically, if someone describes themselves as being 'into' BDSM, they typically have some kinks which go beyond 'vanilla' bedroom activities. How the person maintains and handles a relationship involving these kinks is what differentiates people in the BDSM community.

The BDSM community is often misunderstood. Typically those involved in BDSM are very mature, and experienced people, looking to explore the enjoyment of their lives, and the ability to give others pleasure, to its fullest. But, due to its nature, there will always be bad eggs involved in BDSM. People who seek to manipulate, betray, control and harm others. People like this are abusers, and in my opinion should always be exposed and shamed. Always be wary, and seek some references or others opinions on a new relationship, before agreeing to anything.
Read more

Troubles Finding a Sub

Lifestyle and Erotica Blog and Journal Thoughts and Politics

I keep on being told that my best bet to find a local sub, is to find a new sub... a young sub, whom I can train. They tell me I would be a good Daddy and that a new sub would do well to have me mentor them. The people who tell me this tend to be older subs who know me well.

My experience has been that younger subs tend to be more focused on sex. They do not wish to settle into any long term relationship or really seem to want a true Master. They, rather, believe and seem to want a 'Master' who just wants to focus on a sexual relationship.

Is this because, perhaps, the lifestyle has been so skewed by popular culture, that it is now shifting to become more focused on sex, than it has been in the past?

No Agenda recently brought up the topic that 'sex' in general seems to be a lot rougher these days then it has in the past. There are several theories, possibly many of them compounding together to have this effect.

One of the theories is that, because of popular fiction such as Fifty Shades, the idea of rough and 'abusive' sexual conduct, has been propagated as something that is to be desired and enjoyed.

Another theory is that because so many people are on Anti-Depressants, Anti-Anxiety and other drugs to numb people these days, the only way many people can even feel anything, is through rough sex. The problem is that in this case, often those same drugs will prevent or make any love based relationship bonding, very difficult.

Another compounded theory is that pop culture in general has been propagating the idea of kinky sex, feminism, and sexual freedom / sexual openness so popular and 'cool' now that people generally feel that an actual old school, long term D/s relationship is considered to be too restraining for people now?

In any case... Yeah, I would be a good caring Daddy. Yeah, I am an established, powerful, and level headed Dominant. Yeah, I encourage growth, self esteem, and self confidence of my submissive, and enjoy mentoring them. But... Will I find anyone who wants what I offer? hmmm... I dunno about that. Will I? Read more

SSC and The Lifestyle

Lifestyle and Erotica

I recently read a comment on a BDSM community discussion board. The comment mentioned that SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) was the only 'rule' when it comes to BDSM related matters. This made me raise my eyebrows. Sure, SSC is a good baseline to follow. But, this also brings into question what the BDSM community really is. There are aspects of BDSM related cultures which would suggest that there are far more rules to follow.

From my observations over the years, I have come to realize that the term BDSM really isn't an accurate way for someone to describe themselves. It would be like trying to label the new car you just bought as a 'motor vehicle'.
Person A: Hey buddy! I just bought a new motor vehicle today!
Person B: Cool, what kind?
Person A: It is a motor vehicle.

Doesn't really give much information does it? I mean sure, we know it isn't a bicycle. Just like if someone says they are into BDSM, we know they aren't vanilla.

It is often said that BDSM is a sub-culture. Maybe... But I think that BDSM has it's own sub-cultures under it in addition. The culture of kinksters, and D/s lifestylers are quite different. Both fall under the genre of the BDSM world, but they are very different. A kinkster is focused on kinky fun, and typically on short term, Domination and submission focused roleplay in the bedroom. Where as a D/s (Dom/sub) lifestyler is focused on long term commitments based upon a Dominant and submissive relationship which develops over time, and isn't forced or pretend.

While the rules involved in being a kinkster may well be SSC, the rules involved in being a D/s lifestyler tend to be a tad more in depth. D/s Lifestylers tend to be more focused on honesty, trust, commitment, and a general compatibility of interests outside of the bedroom. The idea of collaring and possession in a lifestyle focused relationship is as serious as an agreement to get married in the vanilla world. It is not something to take lightly. Where as in the kinksters world, a collar is often given out and worn without the serious considering as to how long that bond may last.

Titles also differ between the two world as well. While sure, someone could be a Lifestyle Dom or a Kinkster Dom, and they may be very much identical. But the difference I notice is that kinksters like to give themselves titles and roleplay or act in accordance with those titles. Where as lifestylers tend to grow into their roles naturally, and only earn the titles through their actions and personality.

I have had many discussions with some females I speak to regularly who ask me questions such as: "Sir, why do I feel Dominant and aggressive against some male Doms? I am a sub, shouldn't I always bow down to them?". Indeed, in the more traditional, male focused, old school Lifestyle, you probably would of been punished for that. But that old school view was more a kin to a Master/slave relationship. Modern Lifestyle views tend not to be focused on Master / slave. Therefore, my response is that, yes... You may consider yourself a submissive. But since you haven't submit yourself to these Doms, you aren't a submissive to them. Also, there is no rule that you have to maintain your 'title' in every relationship or situation. Even in old school European Lifestyle, many submissives, became Domme's over others for the purposes of training or managing harems. So, I suppose the key here is that, no matter what you think you should be, just because someone claims to be something else (such as a Dom, Master, or sub), that title should not dictate how you treat them unless you choose to treat them that way.

(But generally, in my mind, approaching a stranger and saying you are a Dom, is absolutely silly and a sign of what I would call a Fake Dom. If you have to advertise it, you obviously have confidence issues and insecurity issues and maybe you shouldn't be participating in such a deep lifestyle, which can have serious effects on others involved. But that is my opinion...)

The Gorean subculture is yet another split from the BDSM world. Gorean is a fantasy based sub-culture based on a book series. The sub-culture aligns more with old-school European Lifestyler traits, in that it is focused on a male Dominated society where females may be used as slaves. However it goes beyond old-school European Lifestyle relationships. Gorean is generally considered to be more unrealistic than the fantasy portrayed in 50 Shades of Grey. Both fictional stories are generally frowned upon by the more traditional modern D/s community.

The typical 50 shades of grey fan will likely align themselves to being a kinkster. The ideas, maturity and development needed for more serious 'D/s lifestyle' based relationships are likely not going to develop without some training. So they end up focusing on bedroom fun. But the Gorean fans will tend to be very forceful in their ways. To many Gorean Dominants, any girl should automatically submit to them, or at least show them respect. In my opinion, this removes the Consensual aspect from SSC. The girls can't choose to submit to Gorean Doms, they are expected to submit. It is also my opinion that in many cases, a 'slave' isn't always a consenting slave. I believe that they tend to submit initially to the promise of fantasy and love, but often are not told of the more negative parts until they have already made a commitment. A commitment that they are often too fearful to break off. It is kinda like how the Army recruiter tells you that you will see the world, and it is like a fun vacation; but once you are in, you realize that it is pure shit.

So this shows that not every sub-culture within BDSM follows the general guideline of SSC. But like I said earlier, the acronym BDSM really doesn't do justice to the varied sub-cultures within the community. In my opinion, "BDSM" is just a label which is used to categorize pornography. Outside of that aspect, it really shouldn't be used to define anyone involved in the sub-cultures involved in it. Saying that you are a Kinkster, or a D/s Lifestyler, or a Gorean, will generally give someone a clearer indication as to your own rulesets than just saying that you are involved in the BDSM community. Read more

Lofty Lair Lounge: Update

Lifestyle and Erotica

Operation Lofty Lair is an ambitious plan to create a bit of a 'recreation' room in the loft space above my garage. The original plan focused on the room being very purpose built, as an adult focused entertainment room. However, I have decided to change that idea, in light of events that have happened back in the house. The plan called for my model railroad to be moved to the basement of the house, which seemed to be a good idea. The 'issue' sprang up when the sewage lines got clogged, and caused some minor flooding in the basement. Luckily, the sewage water didn't reach the walls, however it very easily could of.

This event opened my eyes to the fact that finishing the basement, or putting anything down there that requires a great investment, is likely not an ideal plan. Therefore, I have changed the original plan of Lofty Lair. The Lounge will be a multi purpose room, with a Model Railway, lounge, bench with computer, and adult play space, all rolled into one room. So yes, the railway will end up going back up to the loft... (I hope this is the last time I decide to flip flop on this issue).

The room will feature a built in bench around 36" to 44" high along the wall. In most cases it will be 2 feet wide. The area above the bench work will be a mixture of oak trim, and drywall, which will be pained a darker color. Wall sconces will decorate the wall at specific intervals. The area below the bench work will be, in most cases removable oak paneling. This will be stained very dark. The model railroad bench will consist of a 'tray' built into the woodworking, within which the layout can be designed. Due to the unevenness of the floor and ceiling, it should be interesting to try to get everything to look proper.

Most of the rooms electrical will be wired with EMT conduit and boxes located below the bench work, which will be accessible. MC 12-2 (BX) cabling will extend from the four-square boxes to service outlets which will be mounted on the outside of the bench work, or to service lamps on the wall. Internet access will be provided by the fiber optic connection to the house. The equipment for that will also be hidden under the bench work.

This is a big project for me, as it will require me to learn woodworking skills I have never dealt with before. I will hopefully have help from time to time. But I must press on on my own I think. I can't wait around forever until I find someone who can be my partner. Read more