You Found Me
2021 Update: I made this post public, as someone from CT keeps on searching for topics which are present in this post. If this person is who I think it might be, I encourage them to say hi. I also should probably write a follow-up to this post in retrospect.
This is a difficult subject for me to write about. I must say that a few years ago I was quite smitten. More so then I ever have been with anyone. Those who are close to me know who / what I am speaking of. For those that don't, well you can always read back in my Polyamory section to try to get some back story.
From time to time I hear a song which reminds me of the time, and I start recalling all of these memories.
Lately it was the song You Found Me by The Fray. Not for its literal meaning, but because it was a song I listened to at the time. There is however some literal meaning in the song which relates to the situation. Kele found me while I was in a very low point in my life, and she saw me for who I was and kind of helped me out of that ditch I was stuck in.
I also often find myself reading through emails or blog posts or forum posts from the time, and recalling the feelings I felt. I then relate closely to the song Sometime Around Midnight by the Airborne Toxic Event. I must add an exception however, that I am happy with who Kele is with now, and I do wish them well in their relationship. So the last part of the song isn't accurate.
Now I know I have a few ex'es who do read my blog, and I do try to keep in touch with everyone. It is just how I am... I am not one to hold grudges or anything. Those who are super special to me, know it! But I can honestly say that no relationship ever hit me like a ton of bricks quite like the one I am discussing in this post. And likely never will again.
While yes it is true, I am happily married. I married my best friend, and she means the world to me. I can't say we have ever been lovey dovey or super romantic, but we do love and care for each other and I would never leave her!
I guess it makes me wonder, would Kele of put up with me for this long? I can be a difficult person to live with, I will admit that around the house I can be quite lazy, and self serving sometimes. My hobbies and priorities will often come before chores. I am pretty sure that Kele would of been annoyed by that. Nightbird is a trooper and puts up with a lot of my bullshit, and for that I am grateful. She does get annoyed at it sometimes, but we generally always find a way to work things out. And that will hopefuly become easier once we get our house.
I suppose it is dangerous to wonder if that type of love will ever happen again. Honestly, I hope it does. Not because I want to run away with it, and get lost in its riches. But because it makes me feel alive! I suppose this is always the danger of being Poly, you never know who will come along. While Nightbird and I are very happy being Monogamous at the time, I am always open to new friends and possibilities - it is just who I am.
I suppose some people might get the wrong idea however. For example; I have lately tried to spark up a conversation with 2 former co-workers who I often talked to years ago at my old Radio job in Toronto. Lauren and Josie were both girls who I talked to a lot. But they don't really want to talk to me it seems. I will go out on a limb and say that it is likely because either A: I was a huge dork, and they probably think I still am a huge dork, and they only talked to me at the time to humor me.... or B: They think maybe I am hitting on them or something, and don't want to get involved with someone who is married, regardless of our previous history. Or C: They are in a relationship and are worried that talking to another guy might rouse suspicion in their boyfriends, and cause problems. Well really I just want to chat about the past and the present. I might try to flirt a little, but I flirt with everyone online and sometimes offline too! To me, flirting is a natural behavior which shouldn't be avoided.
I gave my email address to Laura, our regular waitress at Denny's. I do hope she wants to chat outside of work. I do enjoy her company, and feel that we relate to each other on a few issues. All I am really looking for at a basic level is for more local friends - and I hope that she doesn't think I want more. Granted if things work out and naturally progresses to 'more', and if Nightbird is comfortable with it, there is nothing stopping that from happening. But that is not my main priority.
So I suppose the search for pack mates / friends is ongoing for this poly wolf. I know I could easily find a new friend in any MMORPG or online gaming clan. But I really don't have the time for that anymore. And besides I would rather have something real anyhow. I am tired of that online stuff. I still am trying to find and maintain a few online friendships. But since my schedule sucks, and I barely have time to even play a 20 minute game of Team Fortress 2, I highly doubt many online only relationships will ever develop much past online flirting.