Roadwolf's portal for his random thoughts and ponderings

Trapped

Blog and Journal

I sit here feeling like I am trapped inside a small box, and have no means of getting out. This is a feeling that comes and goes for me, but lately has been getting progressively stronger. This feeling is mainly caused by the fact that I have little to no control of how I wish to live my life anymore. This is due to myself being married, and the fact that I willingly allowed my wife to take over most of the financial responsibilities in the marriage. This has proven to be a huge downfall. I suppose one could only blame my own lazyness and lack of ambition for this problem. After all, if I wasn't so lazy, I shouldn't of pawned off this work to her. But then again, I never thought it would come to this. Strangely enough, while our financial situation has improved steadily over time, our intamacy level has fallen by the wayside and is almost non existant. And while our financial life is improving, I am feeling more and more restricted - even after working several overtimes in one week, earning an extra 500 dollars on my weekly paycheque, I am still getting some grief for having purchased a tool cart for the garage which was $250. While she doesn't want any intimacy (and she has no clue about the difference between intamicy, and sex), I am also not allowed any intimacy. Our relationship was formerly opened and polyamorous. And I was allowed to have extra marital relations. But not anymore, I am forbidden from that too - which I suppose is fine, assuming I am getting the intimacy and love that I should be getting in a traditional marriage. She won't even wash my laundry for me (which I have been told by a few people, including my mom, that that is kinda strange), and she bitches when she has to make or pick up dinner. Shes always calling me lazy, and gets mad when I purchase even small items online. She will even play mind games with me, by saying its okay for me to get involved in a hobby, even after I inform her how expensive it is (i.e. model railroading), but then gets upset when I spend even only $50 a week on the hobby. Sure we have bills to pay off, but they only amount to maybe under $10,000 in total, which isn't too bad. And its not like I am looking to spend more then we make. She just likes to squirrel extra money away and dump a ton of money into bills to pay them off. Or so she says. Which brings up another point... I have asked several times for information regarding being able to log into the online bank account. I once did get the information, but it is incorrect. And every other time I have asked, that information was never provided. She would just verbally tell me what was going on. This is very annoying at times when I want to check things out and see what services are available to me. For all I know, the extra money I am making on overtime is going to some hidden account somewhere. I never see any accounting of anything, and every time I ask for statements or to sit down and go over our balances, she always defers it, suggesting I can look at the bills myself. Yes, I look at the bills, but that still doesn't tell me where my money is going, just where it might be going. But this is likely what she wants. Control. I write this because I wanted to work some overtime tomorrow, to earn some extra money. But she scheduled a doctors appointment, and needs the car. So I can't really work the overtime. That being said, I found a car that is affordable enough with a small auto loan, and that would solve our problem. After all, we have talked about having a second vehicle for a while now. But no. She has me so locked down I can't even get an insurance quote through our account, or log in to calculate an auto loan. She still bitches about having to take the bus to work, suggesting I am lucky to be able to drive a car to work. But the fact that taking a bus for work for me, means a 3 hour commute each way, as opposed to an hour commute for her, just based on my shift (midnights) doesn't really sink in it seems. Not to mention that the Jeep is going on 14 years old. While we fully own it, it needs work. But I keep on putting off work on it, to the point of risking the safety of the vehicle, in order to avoid her getting upset. All I know is that I see massive expenses coming in the near future, some of which will be repairs and unavoidable. If she bitches about $250, I imagine that she will bitch about a couple thousand dollars. And the work will likely get done on the cheap, if at all. The only thing I can really say is good right now, is that we have a very nice house. But the more I feel repressed and trapped, the more I really don't care where I am living, just as long as I re-gain some control in my life. She gets annoyed when I mention her jewish heritage, but it is very fitting sometimes. And yes, she is turning out to be very similar to her mother. Controlling, lacking intimacy, and lacking any self respect and desire to improve herself. I just don't know what to do anymore...


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