Roadwolf's portal for his random thoughts and ponderings

Time After Time.

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For a long time I thought, gee I had it made. Great, loving wife, good job, nice house. Things are going well.

But things really aren't well. Over the years, my wife and I have drifted apart. It wasn't quite as apparent early on. We both had opposing work shifts, and being that we were also polyamorous, often the loneliness of not having her around, was supplemented by some other relationship. But in the back of my mind, I always loved my wife above all, and trusted that the love we had was strong.

Like any relationship, it also had it's rough spots beyond the shift difference. Both of us ended up making a mistake or two which challenged the trust we had in each other in different aspects of life. But we seemed to always carry through them, without any intense fights or anger. Which is something that can't be said for many couples out there from what I gather.

But our relationship had several great moments. Moments which make me cry, remembering them, and how happy we seemed to be.

Things seemed to begin to change when the topic of money management and credit scores became an issue. It was also around the same time that I began to work the same shift as her again, and also the same time that Trump was running for office. See, she had become used to spending the evenings alone, and I had also become used to my free time too. So even tho we were around each other more, we seemed to be more comfortable doing our own things. She also didn't seem to like the fact that I was a fan of Trump. But at the same time, I found that she wasn't the same person I had married. Her emotions were so subdued that it was tough to really know if she even cared that I was home, with her. It seemed that I was more of a drag.

When she began putting her money in her own account, I began to become suspicious. She claimed it was because of college. We had always managed our money together, this was unusual. But I suppose this was evidence that she didn't trust me anymore. Interestingly enough, when it comes to money she is the one who lied to me for years about taxes.

In any case... I carried on. There were hints that we were both still lonely. She was talking to her girlfriend a lot more frequently, and I was still considering the idea of having a live in girlfriend to join us in the household. However, My wife and I began spending more time together on evenings after work. We would go out to dinner, and then stop and feed ducks on the way home. So maybe things were improving?... But one of these evenings, while feeding ducks, she mentioned that maybe we should consider ourselves separated. I was a little shocked, but didn't know what else to say besides shrug and agree. I mean, if she feels this way, why bother forcing her to try to continue to love me? Could we rebuild the love we had for each other? I am not sure... It would be difficult with the medications she takes, for her to be emotionally attached again, I believe.

But ever since then, I have found myself in a bit of a pit of depression. It seems that I really have lost a lot of faith and trust in females in general, and my heart is honestly very broken and jaded. The once playful and bouncing me, now a quiet, depressed, and loveless tired soul. I really don't know what the future holds in terms of anything anymore. I lose myself in video games, to try to hide from these thoughts. I want to love, and be loved, but I have no clue how to start over, or whom I should even trust to start over with.

It seems so many woman want to play games. "How much do you make? How much education do you have?" or "Oh, you are kinky? let's fuck..." without even taking the time to get to know me, or even care about my interests. Sorry... not into quick fucks, or women who are seeking a man based on his income or 'education'. I know there are a few females online who care about me. The number of said females has dropped significantly since I have become jaded, few are willing to put the effort into catching my interest anymore. Foxxy... Gracely, and Trinity have all been very good friends and gone the extra mile to try to include me as a special person in their lives.

It is still tough to know what to do however. I just know that the person I envisioned growing old with, is no longer in that picture. The path of life, seems to lead me in a direction which I must walk alone towards that finish line. And that is a very lonely picture.

The song below inspired this post:

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