The Uncollaring...
Lifestyle and Erotica Blog and Journal
Dedication and loyalty are keystone traits in any BDSM themed relationship. That being said they should also be traits in any intimate relationship. The dedication and loyalty of Sable, my former (online) submissive partner, was indeed very strong. We connected on a very intimate level, in an intense manner. Indeed she was willing to suffer and put herself through a lot of pain to try to meet my expectations.
The one thing, however, she couldn't break away from was her boyfriend whom she was living with. I took sable in as a submissive knowing this, and also knowing that she had many years of experience being a submissive, and her current boyfriend was vanilla and didn't quite fill her needs. I later found out that he was emotionally abusing her, in a way which he was taking advantage of her submissive nature only to please himself, and neglecting and even denying her own needs and desires. To the extent of removing a hand held showerhead because he was jealous of the enjoyment it gave her. The reason she couldn't break away seemed to be that she was scared of change, scared of starting over again. This wouldn't of been the first time she had... She would tell me that he wasn't physically abusive, and so it was something she could manage. She had been in a physically abusive relationship in the past, and thus knew of that sort of abuse. Compared to that, she figured this was something she could settle for.
The more I learned, the more I wanted her away from that environment. I had grown attached to her, and cared deeply for her. I pushed hard to work towards bringing her into my own household, and 'saving' her from the depressing situation she was forced to live in. There was a time when I was ready to hop in the car and drive down to carry her away. She liked the fantasy of the idea initially, but as the date approached, she became more and more apprehensive, eventually telling me that she wanted to leave on her own. That she was strong enough and wanted to do this. I gave her a time limit of a few months. Those months came and went, and so did a few more... Time and time again, excuses were made.
Towards the end it became apparent that she was really trying. She was even trying to quit smoking cold turkey, to appease me, and on top of that had been working hard to try and get her drivers license and get her finances in order. But again the date came and went. In this case, it appeared to be family issues. She was apparently dealing with some custody issues regarding her grandmother, and some other members of her extended family. I could see that my request for her to quit smoking, on top of the other things I was asking from her, was overwhelming, and causing a rift in her life, pulling her between being loyal to me, and loyal to her family.
At this point I could not continue. I would not step between someone and their family. I made the choice to uncollar her. That was several months ago.
Looking back now, I realize it was likely the right choice. To continue wold of only turned me into the bad guy. She was obviously not wanting to leave that situation, and there were other issues involved as well. One being that she didn't want to prove her mother right, as her mother had told her boyfriend that it wouldn't last. In the end, you can't help those who do not wish to help themselves.
I still remain her friend and protector in the online world. And she still from time to time will mention how she may show up on my door step at some point.
Since I uncollared her however, I have had a slight void. I had lost focus. Having someone to take care of, and watch over gave me a purpose. It helped me focus my own efforts and even to better myself to be able to be what she needed me to be, and to finish projects which would help accommodate her.
Yes I am seeking another sub... In what form, I am unsure. Live in submissive, local submissive, or online submissive? Well I know that I am trying to avoid online submissives at this point. I find that feelings tend to get too intense for that. I would rather have something tangible, something I can hold in my hand. Someone whom I can place a collar on myself. And so, onward my journey continues...