Spring Showers...
I think I may be beginning to go crazy. I can't really pinpoint a direct reason why, but I have been feeling sick the last few days. Not really physically sick, however I have been coughing and having trouble sleeping lately. But more of a mental sickness. I have a few things going on in my life. For one I have finally discovered that all of my hobbies (ham radio, model railroading, gardening / landscaping) are too expensive for me to continue them at this time. I would make grand plans, and realistic deadlines, but never seem to be able to come close to even remotely getting any projects for my hobbies off the ground because of a lack of capitol. I do not even find computer games overly exciting these days. So I feel empty these days. I have nothing to do but dwell on the negative aspects of my life, and nothing to really distract me. The only thing that holds my interest is some aspects of work, and a few select TV Shows and No Agenda.
I have also been feeling lonely. Things are not good on the social front. I have a few people I talk to, and even fewer females who I flirt with - I find I end up distancing myself, and sometimes turning down some of the females I meet. For those who know me, that must seem like a shock - I have always been a bit of a man-slut. I think it is because I am distancing myself from everyone lately. If you are currently someone I talk to, and I seem distant to you, please talk to me. I may not get back right away, but I imagine it will help. I am realizing that my views are so vastly different from the mainstream, that few people can even accept them, let alone understand them. I have tried to roll back this distance, and open up, but every day I am reminded of how much modern society is filled with bullshit. I am scared for myself. I am scared for humanity as a whole. I see the problem as being a systematic problem of how society has been shaped, brainwashed and molded to become corporate whores, who are blind to the real problems of the world.
Obama's 'Just Getting By', American Dream, is something which is not going well for me. I thought things were going to be okay, but financially I just can't get ahead. Taxes are killing me, and the debt of credit cards and loans seems never-ending. The funny thing is I also know that my debt is not very much compared to most people. Maybe $10,000 not including the mortgage. I just don't know what to do... Is it time for another big life change? Pick up and move elsewhere, start over again? Or is this perhaps just a phase, caused by Seasonal Depression. It has been a long winter, and working night shifts, I am usually running fairly low on Vitamin D.
Motivation is also an issue for me. I lack motivation to really accomplish much. I know I have a few projects around the house I could easily do to distract me. But I also know that accomplishing them would either require, or inspire me to spend more money in order to finish the project, or enhance it in some way. I am also afraid of starting projects which I have no experience with. I know I can likely do anything I put my mind to, but I have this subconscious feeling that I will not be able to finish what I start. Most of my projects seem to end up like that. Usually due to a lack of money. For example, I had a small business for a while of selling LED emergency lights to volunteers around here. I was making about 200% profit on each sale, and then reinvesting that money back into new products. I was doing quite well. But I still couldn't keep up with demand. I had orders to outfit whole fire halls in one go, and I just didn't have the capitol for that kind of thing. In the end I ended up giving up on the project, and using the income I had generated to pay for some bills which had piled up.
I seem to work best with a friend or partner. Someone to inspire me and kick me in the ass to keep me going. Someone who I can work with, and look up to. But it seems that I am too much of a drag for most people to devote time to working with. I really do not desire ending up as some crazy person on the news. My only dream right now, is the same as it as always been: To have a close circle of friends, and enjoy the remainder of my life in the comfort of my interests and hobbies / and maybe own some property up on a nice relaxing lake somewhere in the middle of nowhere. But I shouldn't be silly, after all, this is the American Dream I am currently living, of just getting by. Such luxuries as I indicated in my dream, are likely not in my future. Such is my life.
I wouldn't worry too much about me however. I am still in control, and of sound mind in my opinion. I am just a tad depressed. Did I mention that I watched someone committing suicide the other day, and didn't blink? I kinda understood where he was coming from, but I don't believe that is a valid answer to the problem at hand. Sure life is tough for many people these days, I do imagine suicides are on the rise. But that is not for me. I still do believe that there is a sliver of hope that I may see my life dreams come true someday.