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Today was a bit of a sad and disappointing day. Not only did I fail, at work, in tackling a frustrating issue and getting a system back up in running. But I also was sad to come home alone. I have been super lonely and wanting affection and just some general social interaction. The idea of going out to a restaurant to eat a nice meal is appealing, but not really if I am alone. Then it just seems more sad.

I had hoped that Whisperin, my lover from Ohio, would end up showing up today after I got home from work. She has been missing me as much as I have been missing her, and I know she is stressed with trying to handle her divorce and keep everyone happy at home, including her husband, whom she is divorcing. Indeed he knows about me, and he isn't happy with her. But the love ended many years ago. It is only now that she has seen what a good man, and a passionate lover I am, that she knows that her life can be better.

Sadly, she is still stuck at home. And she generally tries to abide by her husbands wishes as to not incite his jealousy too much. Even tho being around him makes her tense and frustrated that she can't talk to me. There is also the complication that she doesn't want to disappoint her mother, and even tho her mother seems to be supportive of her relationship with me, she fears that by visiting me, it will somehow cause her mother to be upset with her. That on top of worries about her children, and custody issues keeps her pretty much a prisoner in her own home. Knowing all the while, that there is someone out there who can instantly make her smile, and who appreciates and desires her company.

And here I am, knowing that she's a great woman. Knowing that she has my heart. And knowing that there really aren't many women like her, and that I will NOT find someone like her from a dating site. Most of the people on those sites are indeed scammers, or really don't have the attractive minds and bodies and passion that I find in Whisperin. So many are stuck up, and here in this area, so many are liberals - too focused on social movements and 'rights' issues, to even worry about looking after themselves.

My advice to Whisperin, is to come and visit for a few days - even with the kids if she wants. He can't throw her out of the jointly owned house. And so what if he doesn't like it? He already knows we have been intimate. He already knows it is over. Yeah he will be upset a little, but he can't do much about it. But a few days visit every couple weeks will do wonders for her confidence and stress, and also help keep our budding relationship strong and fueled. Custody and divorce is always so complex and complicated. But few cases actually make it to a point where judges decide things. Separation agreements, and custody agreements are the way things go now, and lawyers are happy to wheel and deal and play hardball to get things to work in their clients best interests. So the fact that she comes to meet me, out of state, shouldn't really be a long term factor that can really be too much of a cause for concern.

I know she spoke to her mom tonight about the issue. I don't know how it went. We shall see... I do hope she visits soon. It is hard for me to not have her physically in my life. But I fear depending upon the path she chooses to take, that she may have to stay in Ohio. If that is the case - I am not sure how things will progress. I may be single for a long long time it seems.

The other person I was speaking to tonight was Sable. Sable wanted a phone call because she too was stressing out. Again with the anxiety issues and her panic attacks. She couldn't stop telling me about the stresses she deals with, with her mothers hoarding, and also dealing with other issues. But I said hey... your first thing to deal with should be yourself.

You see, Sable hasn't always had panic attacks. I believe they started after her dad died in front of her - in a bar, when he was drinking with her. They both knew he shouldn't drink, but he was so happy to have her come back home, that they were drinking to celebrate. Then shortly afterwards while still recovering from that tragic loss, her new boyfriend abandoned her at a bar. She got in the truck, drunk, and ended up crashing into someone, and being charged with a DUI and spent the night in jail.

I believe that feeling of helpless abandonment from someone she trusted, ended up being a major trigger to the point that she now has panic attacks often, whenever she is in a position where she feels trapped, and insecure. Since she lives with her mother who is a hoarder, she gets frustrated trying to deal with her mothers issues, and trying to help. I told her.. no. your mothers issues are your mothers issues. You wont be able to help, unless you get your own issues fixed. And to do that, you need to get back on your own two feet and begin supporting yourself again to rebuild that confidence and be in control of your own situation - and stop having to rely on others which in turn makes you feel trapped.

I am not sure it really sank in. But I did tell her to go, get a cheap apartment in town. Find a job she can walk to, and within a month or two she should be able to afford to pay her own bills. And then more healing will follow, but at least she will be in control of her own situation.

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