Roadwolf's portal for his random thoughts and ponderings

Murder of One

Blog and Journal

Blue morning Blue morning
Wrapped in strands of fist and bone
Curiosity, Kitten, doesn't have to mean you're on your own
You can look outside your window
He doesn't have to know
We can talk a while, baby
We can take it nice and slow

All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream

Are you happy where you're sleeping?
Does he keep you safe and warm?
Does he tell you when you're sorry?
Does he tell you when you're wrong?
I've been watching you for hours
It's been years since we were born
We were perfect when we started
I've been wondering where we've gone

All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream

I dreamt I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow
Casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood there counting crows
One for sorrow
Two for joy
Three for girls and four for boys
Five for silver
Six for gold and
Seven for a secret never to be told

There's a bird that nests inside you
Sleeping underneath your skin
When you open up your wings to speak
I wish you'd let me in

All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream
Open up your eyes
You can see the flames
of your wasted life
You should be ashamed

You don't want to waste your life

I walk along these hillsides in the summer 'neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me


Murder of One, by the Counting Crows is a song which really speaks to me. Granted I do not really condone going behind your partners back and cheating on them. But one thing that is deeply embedded into my personality, is that women are not to be treated as objects. I am very much opposed to women who are used for their body as a status symbol by their male partners.

The song is similar to conversations I have had with several women I have come across who I have found to be in abusive, or non loving relationships. The one that really comes to mind is an old World of Warcraft friend from L.A. In this case, her husband was extremely jealous of her. To the point that she was forbidden from leaving the house, and often forbidden to play World of Warcraft. She was even forbidden from interacting with her children, as he wanted to raise them his way and didn't want her influence on them. But whenever there was a social function he was involved in, he would drag her out, and show her off like a trophy.

They would often fight, and I could easily sense that there was no actual love in this relationship anymore. She was a prop which was only brought out when needed. Otherwise she was basically locked away, and made to suffer in loneliness. I spent many hours and many days and nights talking with her, trying to help her through these tough times. She eventually built up the courage to file a divorce and get a restraining order on him. I was so proud!

One night however he broke into her house and beat her senseless. That is when she began to have second thoughts. I was able to keep her on track with her divorce, but sadly it never went through, and she ended up going back to him after he wrote her a very false, but fictionally affectionate letter, of which I received a copy of as well. I tried to talk her out of it, but apparently not only due to this letter, but he was also holding the kids over her head, and basically using them as bartering chips.

I was unable to stop her from going back to him, and I never saw her again after that. Presumable she is still locked up, and now completely forbidden from accessing the internet.

That being said, I have had a few other friends who I was able to successfully help through their divorce, and all of them are still very happy to this day.

One of the things I have been taught by my parents is the art of chivalry. While my other beliefs seem to stem from newer ideal, (one could argue that polyamory is actually a much older ideal then monogamy), my strong sense of chivalry, is a trait which I am very glad that I have. I respect females. I do not see them as objects. I can not even go to a strip club without feeling dirty... And it is this trait which makes me very vocal against spousal abuse where males mistreat their female partners. That may not always involve violence either!

It is that very belief system, that sometimes makes it difficult for me, in my marriage. I am not one to be a hypocrite, therefore I tend to stick to my guns when it involves me. I often think to myself "gee, am I doing enough?" or "am I not paying enough attention to her?" and I often question myself and feel that I am not living up to the expectations I should be living up to as a husband. It is hard for me, as I often take that out on myself, and sometimes in disagreements I will even hint at the fact that I wouldn't be surprised if she left me.

Luckily I do not believe things are really as bad as I sometimes make them out to be. Since I am super sensitive to such things, I seem to blow them out of proportion. Which is to be expected since I have such a strong stance against it.

Anyhow, that song got me thinking about that, and I felt I should share it. I hope it helps people close to me understand me a bit more.


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37 views since Feb 2 2024

Next Spring!