Roadwolf's portal for his random thoughts and ponderings

Mid May Update

Blog and Journal

I am sure some of you may have noticed I haven't been posting a lot lately. Truth is I have been kind of hiding in the land of online gaming. I am running a server for my clan, and babysitting everyone who plays on it. It is an addiction / distraction which I have been using to avoid 'real life'.

Granted, I have been doing this to some extent for the last 3 years. Three years ago I made a choice to change my direction in life. I still have yet to find that direction, the compass needle needs to steady itself and point me towards my true North sometime soon. I know I have grown distant from some old friends, and even some family, but I think that is mostly because I am ashamed that I haven't been able to pull myself together and make a life for myself. It seems like everyone I know, even in these difficult times, seems to be doing alright, and moving forward, even if its ever so slightly, compared to myself. As many friends and family already know, nightbird (my wife) has lost her job due to cut backs.

With both of us now barely able to maintain our rent and bills, we are both desperately looking for a job in today's tough job market. Things seem hopeless, and thusly I want to just dissapear and hide on some game online, where I can actually have some sort of a social life where I am somewhat successful. It took Kelly, my girlfriend, to help me realize just how far I had fallen in terms of my self esteem. You see, I had a lot to write about this past month... a few road trips, and a lot of other stuff (the photo above of Niagara Falls, was taken on the 11th of May when I decided to drive to Niagara Falls, Canada for fun).

But I just didn't want to write. Why? Because writing about these fun things seemed to depress me even further. Taking Kelly's advice, I went for a short drive tonight, and took some notes about what I want to do with my life. For starters, I believe I want to become a Traffic Cop. All my Adult life, I have kind of danced around the whole Police Officer thing, saying, oh no, i couldn't do that. blah blah blah... But - my interests all point in that direction. And being that I am a very fair, and very patient person, perhaps that would be something that I would be good at. Granted, I do have some low level volunteering experience, and I have a few friends who have been / are police officers. But I have never really done a ride along or anything. I think I would like to do this, to see if its really something I would enjoy. So if any officers want some company, give me a shout :)

I would like, for by the time I am 32 to own a house with some property, possibly backing onto a body of water. These are some goals I have to work towards. If I can not become a cop due to physical issues, then perhaps a Tow Truck driver. I would like to get my own rig and maybe contract for a company or something. I think however, that I will really need some encouragement to help get myself going in the right direction. I understand that it is something I do have to do alone, but some form of support would be helpful. On the job search front, things are very depressing.

It seems either, I am overqualified, and would be taking a HUGE pay cut from my last pay rate - OR I have experience in a field, but since I don't happen to have a degree in said field, the job goes to someone who actually has some accredations (even though I may have more actual work experience then them). While now I kind of have a goal to work towards, I still have no clue where I will end up geographically speaking in the next year or so. I may end up back in Ontario for all I know. I am really just taking that day by day. Anyhow, yeah I am still around... :)

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