Roadwolf's portal for his random thoughts and ponderings


Lifestyle and Erotica Blog and Journal

Let's face it: I am lonely. The idea of building a dungeon / play room is somewhat popular with some of the local people I seem to talk to. But I don't believe that it will fully solve my problem. I really can't think of anything else social that I can involve myself in these days, which will help with my loneliness. I long to be intimate and close to someone, but alas, I have no one who really cares to be intimate with me. I suppose I don't really blame anyone. I am a fat white guy, kinda washed up, and my better days are likely behind me.

So I suppose this is what the mid-life crisis feels like. Some may ask, 'Well Roadwolf, you have a wife. Doesn't she keep you from being lonely?' Indeed, that question would shed light on the obvious issue. Yeah, the small amount of time we do spend together is nice. However we are more like friends now; the intimacy is gone. We've been polyamorous for a long time, mostly due to the fact that neither of us really believe that there is one person which can fulfill every desire of anyone else. We had similar hobbies which brought us together initially, but hobbies, and people change over time. We each have slightly different interests and motivating factors these days, and while I still hope for affection, I tend to get a cold shoulder. However we still do have fun and enjoy each other in other ways. But the fact that she is as open as I am about being polyamorous, means there is hope for me to find someone. But finding someone who is also open minded to a complicated situation can be tricky. Everyone seems to want a single, perfect guy... Well... I am not perfect by any means. But I am not a bum either.

What is worse, is that I am beginning to become used to being rejected. I suppose most females tend to view me as just another married guy who is looking to cheat. I am really not too sure what to do about this... Interestingly enough, I have met many females online who claim to be willing to become involved with me, and become my live in submissive even tho I already have a wife. However, this never seems to work out. I have determined that these are just empty promises, made by people who are also lonely, and want to fulfill that loneliness with a fantasy which will never happen.

This topic came up recently when a close online friend of mine asked me if I would take her on as a submissive. I said no... I am not willing to invest my emotions and time into something that binds me to a computer. Sure I play a lot of computer games as a way to relax and 'veg out'. But another emotional love based relationship, which would be founded on an online interaction is not something that I believe would be healthy for me. I need to be active... I need a real touch... I need someone here with me. The last online relationship I had really took its toll on my body. My health went way downhill during that time period, because I always wanted to be on the computer, to talk to her. Indeed, I did start going to the gym. However, I still neglected a lot of work around the house.

Perhaps the play room I am working on, will land me a real life submissive. I know the idea is popular with BDSM community members in the area. At this point none of those members are really in any position / or are really seeking a partner such as myself. But who knows, maybe someone will come to a session, and find me cuddly enough to curl up next to me.

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