Roadwolf's portal for his random thoughts and ponderings

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I have been struggling to write an update as of late. I feel that I want to express myself, but I also feel that it would be hard for others to understand where I am coming from.

At the moment I am coming to grip with a tragedy that a close friend of mine has suffered. Her barn caught fire, and her beloved horses (among other animals) were not able to be rescued. It was quite a shock back to reality for her, and also for myself in a way. I had been trying to guide her to focus more on real life responsibilities, and less on fantasy and online interaction. I myself have been trying to push myself to be more active in the real world, as opposed to spending as much time online. I came to a realization that the digital world is not really tangible. If I want to make something of myself, I have to focus on my real life interests. The tragic loss my friend experienced was a solid reminder of just how short our lives really are, and that we need to focus on our loved ones and enjoying every day.

Meanwhile, I have also been exploring the lifestyle a little bit. I find that I am a natural Dom in general. I have my thoughts on what it takes to be a proper Dom, and I generally consider a many Dom's to be fraudulent. But that is a whole other discussion. I wanted to mention sable, my amazing submissive who has helped inspire me to spice things up in my own life. Our relationship is more focused on the intellectual level than anything else, and I am enjoying the new challenges.

It is now a new year... Hello 2015. I started writing this post in early December... I will suggest that means I really haven't been focusing on my blog at all.

The biggest revelation I believe, was that with my friend Tailz and her great loss at her farm, it showed that sometimes online and fantasy worlds can distract us from what we should be doing in the real world. The very interesting thing which hit it home even more, was that I had been pushing her hard to ween her from the fantasy world of IMVU, and have her focus more on the real world, and even so much as helping her find a date on OkCupid. Our lives are only so long, and as we grow, time passes quicker. At the moment she has refocused her imagination towards the arts and crafts, and began making tangible figures and sculptures which are fantasy based. I feel this is a much more worthy time spent, than Role-Playing in some chat room, to be quite honest. And she is quite skilled at it as well.

Yes this has affected me to a great degree as well. While I still game, and rely on the computer for the majority of my social output, I do wish to change that. Looking back at my past, I can see that ever since leaving high school, I have always been in need of a social circle. Typically with myself in some sort of Dominant position. When I founded, and recruited a team for the emergency response work for several years. When that fell apart, I participated in Urban Exploration, and set up almost weekly gatherings and outings. Then I decided to move to the states, and I had to maintain a clean and honest status, so I decided to give up Urban Exploration and due to limited finances, turned to World of Warcraft and then Team Fortress 2 for many years. After several years of that I found myself getting into a similar lul that I am in today. And the key to snapping me out of it was, by chance, finding a girlfriend in World of Warcraft who saw something in me I didn't really see in myself at the time. That relationship pulled me our of the gutter, and inspired me to become more active in the community, and join a Firehall as a volunteer. Eventually I ended the mostly long distance relationship I had, and continued focusing on the volunteer activities, until I then found employment and work began limiting the time I could spend volunteering. But then again, work was another social output, at least for a while. The night shifts grew lonely quickly, and the need for social output grew. I found myself with a 2nd girlfriend, who was local and who I very much enjoyed our time together with. Sadly some mistakes were made, and I was forced to break up with her... And here I am.

I firmly believe that one option which has bettered my life in the past, was to have a girlfriend, or perhaps in this case a submissive. What I have noticed with this, is that it seems to bring out the desire to impress, and shakes things up a bit. I tend to go out more, and be more socially active. I notice I am more eager to help clean around the house and work on solo tasks when I am alone, as my social needs will be well met the rest of the time. And I notice the relationship between my wife and I does tend to grow noticeably closer as well during such times. I would hope that my wife would also befriend my friend as well, knowing that she has also been looking for a friend of her own for some time. I imagine a live-in submissive would be a very interesting arrangement, and I could see that really making my life quite interesting. The thought alone is making me want to clean up the basement and turn it into a dungeon.

The alternatives to this aren't very promising. I work nights, which compounds the lack of social exposure. I am thinking of setting up a Wednesday morning 'hack lab' for tinkering with electronics and doing repairs with my friends at work who also enjoy electronics. We have enjoyed this in the past, but our weekends have often grown too busy to allow this activity on the weekend. Luckily we all work night shift, so maybe they would enjoy a regular hack lab event during the week. I also know I need to get out and exercise, but the solitude of exercising alone, and feeling like the creepy fat white guy, while all the ladies work out around me, is a deterrent. Volunteering is quite difficult, at least at the Fire Dept. Their drill nights run late, and would interfere with the beginning of my work shift. The police have a volunteer squad as well, but they require me to be a full fledged American, which I am not. I do volunteer some of my time to maintaining the website for a Neighborhood Watch group, however. But the social rewards from that are very small.

Anyhow, that is where I am at entering 2015. To me, I am pretty bored. But I imagine the concepts outlined here may be a bit radical to some. But then again, I never claimed to be normal.

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