Roadwolf's portal for his random thoughts and ponderings

How Hard is it? (maybe TL;DR)

Blog and Journal

I have been wanting to write for the past few days, however I either never get the time, or can never really put my thoughts into words. This post will dive deeper into my emotions then I usually allow myself to go in such a posting. It dives into my relations with my friends and the people around me, as well as me thoughts and desires in all of this. I seem to have few friends who stay around for long. Perhaps I push them away, perhaps they stray away on their own.

Maybe I am just a bad friend. I am unsure. Of course when I moved from Toronto to Buffalo, I kind of lost touch with most of my Toronto friends. That will happen when you move, I suppose. I tend to dislike phone calls. Texting and instant messaging are my prefered forms of communication. Would this annoy friends? I am unsure, I find texting more convienant.

On that note, I also tend to dislike boring 'small talk'. I enjoy discussing current events, and having meaningful deep conversations about anything from the economy to science to life... There are some friends who will just message me and ask me how I am doing 5 times a day... And thats all they say. I suppose this is alright, but I dunno, I don't always feel like answering after the 5th message... Its like 'I am fine... I was fine 2 hours ago.. why wouldn't I be fine now?'. Is it just me, or would that annoy anyone else as well? I know I am opinionated, I will say things as I see them. I am not afraid to hurt peoples feelings or loose a friend over something if it meant the difference between lying or telling the truth.

Perhaps this is why I have so few friends in the real world. Are people so lost in the make believe world that society has created for us, that they expect to be lied to and not given straight answers anymore? Now Geo and I got along fairly well. I kinda thought of him like my big brother, and I did care for him quite a bit. He was an urban exploration buddy of mine. But we often did other things as well. Then one weekend it all changed. I was supposed to meet up with him to explore a sewer system. So I gathered some others and waited at the spot for him to show up. He never did. I called him several times... no answer. Geo rode a motor bike everywhere he went and had gotten into a few accidents, so I became concerned. I went home that night hoping to find an email from him, or something... But I found nothing in my inbox. The next morning I had plans with him to meet up at his place, as a friend was coming in from out of town. I drove out to his place, after trying to call him a few times... and began to knock on his door. No answer. I was worried, but also hesitant. I started going through everything in my mind trying to think if I somehow pissed him off... I couldn't think of anything, so I imagined he was likely injured or something was seriously wrong. I continued to knock, at this point completely lost as to what I should do? should I leave? should I call an ambulance? I dunno?

Eventually I heard movement, and he ran to the door and flung it opened and yelled that he was sleeping, and told me to get lost... It was very much unlike him to do this, and I was shocked. But I left him alone ever since. Was I in the wrong here? was this a misunderstanding? I don't know really... In the search to find a new local friend here in Buffalo, I have always come up short.

Few people seem to have similar interests as I do, so I don't really try anymore. I seem to connect better with females anyhow. I have a online friend in Ontario who I talk to often, and she has been there for me in some hard times, likewise I have been there for her... But wait... Am I not I married? Why yes I am. You see my wife and I have an open marriage. It is kind of complicated, but it seems to work out alright. On that note, I am sure some people may say 'Oh well, you are married, your best friend should be your wife...' and some other people may even say 'you should have a baby...'. Well, my best friend is my wife... But we don't want a baby. Also, my wife doesn't enjoy that 'guy' stuff I am interested in. And that is the stuff I am looking for companionship on. She would rather play WoW and stay in. A female friend would be very cool.

To find a female who would be into similar things that I am... wow. But of course few females want to even socialize with married men it seems. And because Iam brutally honest to a fault sometimes about myself, this usually turns most females away. The ones who aren't turned away are only looking for sex it seems, and while this would be alright with my wife, it is not something I am looking for. As funny as it sounds, I am not after sex. I can get sex anytime I want really. What I am after is someone to hang out with, and joke around with and generally have a good time with.

Male or Female, it doesn't matter, just someone who I can meet in Real Life and talk to, and hang out with. I suppose Urban Exploration was my best avenue from which I could make friends. I imagine that most of the people who are visiting the website to read about my adventures in the Buffalo Memorial Aud would of loved to be with me on those adventures. But I do not really explore anymore. I can't at the moment due to immigration and such. Plus, having lived in Buffalo, abandoned buildings do not really have the same attraction they once had. And I am more concerned about safety then ever before. So without Urban Exploration, who am I? Well I suppose I am just your average radio geek.

How exciting is that really? Not very exciting I imagine. I mean, I do not own a TV or really follow any sports, therefore I have very little in common with many people. It seems that my most successful social skills would be in helping people with their problems online. Often in WoW or even through various other people I meet randomly, I often become the counseler. Able to help people through tough times, and able to read into someone in a way and show them a part of themselves they never really noticed before.

One of my friends I have helped, told me I should open up on my blog and write about my personal feelings more... Well here I am. I am sure the 4000 or so visitors I get a day who want to look at photos of the Aud want to read about my feelings... HA! But really.. This will just be one of those TL;DR posts no one really reads I imagine. None the less, it was nice to write it all out. People are lucky to have someone to chat to when things go wrong, friends are important. Be sure to hold onto those which are worth hanging onto. I would like to know how hard it is to find a good (real life, non-internet) friend and hang onto them? Because for me it has been very difficult it seems.

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