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I went to Letchworth State park this past weekend with Kelly. It was a great weekend. Cuddling by the campfire, which of course led to many other things. Lets just say I earned a new Nickname... "The Machine". Kelly is amazing, and I wish I had met her years ago. That being said I know my limits in our situation and I know nothing any more serious will likely ever happen with us. Which is fine. I have many friends, most of my friends have problems that they come to me with. I enjoy helping my friends through tough times. To me, this is what a friend is for. This past week I have been overcome with not one, but 2 friends who were extremely depressed to the point of talking about ending it all. This in turn depressed me. I love my wife dearly, but she does have some issues in her past which make it hard for her to be sensitive and strong. Therefore I generally will not rely on her to be there for me if I need to talk. That is because she tends to internalize everything, and my added need for support will usually just crush her system for dealing with everything. This is why I am so grateful that I have Kelly to talk to and be my strength in these times. I have been thinking a lot about how I am always emotionally supporting everyone, but other then Kelly I really have no one in my life whom I can be intimate with, who can help support me emotionally. It is my nature to give and give, but I kind of feel like I am drying up inside. Especially if I go into the profession of counseling, therapy or sex surrogacy, I would definately need some strength from time to time. I know that likely nightbird, while she says she is comfortable with Kelly and I, deep down is scared of it. I am sure this post wont help, but I needed to write it. I do love nightbird deeply, but I just wish sometimes it wasn't always about her. Perhaps that is selfish of me... or wrong to ask. But its what I feel.

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42 views since Feb 2 2024

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