Roadwolf's portal for his random thoughts and ponderings

Given Up?

Blog and Journal

My relationship with Sable has been great for the most part. We connect so very well, it seems like we are made for each-other.

Sable, sadly, has been through a lot, and at this point in her life, she has given up even trying to be a functioning adult. That is the kicker. Now, I did kind of know this when I brought her into my life. However, I had the unrealistic viewpoint that I would actually be able to help her and get her life back on track. Despite a few years of trying to address some issues, they still linger.

Back in November, I was ready to send Sable back home to Texas. It was a lot of little things that culminated into a large bitter disagreement between the two of us. We however realized that we could both work to address our insecurities and our own issues, and move forward and give the relationship a 3rd try. Up until then, I had been very concerned about her alcohol intake, and it was one of the factors I was trying to get her to change. We tried therapy, and all sorts of ways for me to try to get her to ween herself off of alcohol. But they never worked, and she just kept drinking, and sometimes stealing alcohol and hiding the fact that she did this and lying to me about it.

Whatever... I was done even caring about this back in November. And through the winter, I haven't bought her any alcohol - aside from a glass or two here or there while out at dinner (she sometimes took advantage of that and ordered more than one glass). She in turn decided to begin making home made alcohol with sugar and yeast. I caught onto this quickly, even though she was hiding it, but I didn't stop her, nor critique her on it, or try to stop it. She has to want to change.

But that isn't the only issue. The other major issue she was supposed to work on, was her emotional state. See, even thought we get along well, and she claims that I am a great guy... She is rarely sexual, or intimate. In fact she tends to shun that sort of stuff off. Which... okay, I get it, she has been abused in the past, and she finds it difficult to actually let her heart and feelings shine through. Which is what she claims.

Many of my friends warn me that she is using me for a free ride. That she is just suckling off my money, and living, and sitting around on the couch wasting away. I try to dispel those theories, and I do know that Sable and I are great together. A vast majority of the time we are laughing and smiling when we are together. But maybe we are just better friends than lovers?

In any case, she recently talked to her mother, and things changed with her behavior. She told me that she feels guilty not being able to emotionally and sexually support me. So she said that I should or could start looking for a second girl to handle that aspect of my needs to take some of the burden off of her.

Now, this isn't exactly something that has even been on my mind as of late, but now it is something I can't seem to distract myself from. This isn't the first time she has suggested a second female join the household. But, it was the first time that she specifically pulled me aside and brought it up as a main topic of conversation. I told her that I was content, and that yeah, I could always use more intimacy, but I had enough things going on in my life to distract me. But she seemed to feel the need for me to consider this as an option.

So, I have been thinking about it, and while the idea of searching for a new female partner is daunting and, will likely distract me from my normal thought process for a while, it is also very concerning that Sable has even mentioned this. Yes, she feels guilty, and yeah, she probably realizes I am a good guy, and she wants to see my needs met... Which is a good sign. But, does this also mean she has given up in even trying to address those problems on her end? Likely. Just like how she isn't really planning on ever giving up alcohol, she is probably not planning on changing any aspect of how she acts.

This is worrisome, as... I do love her, and I do want to see her be able to relax and enjoy life one day and just cuddle and be intimate and relax in my arms, without the need for a bottle, or other substance to make her happy. And I think that learning to trust and open up, is a part of that battle. So if anything, it seems that she has just closed down more lately.

So, what am I to do? I kind of know that if I do go and find another female, Sable will get jealous, even if she says she won't, because that other female will be more likely to show affection than she is, and therefore there will be obvious intimacy there. I also know that I can't help Sable... She has to want to help and change herself. But having lived with her for almost two years now, there has been little progress in some critical areas. So, will she ever change those areas? Or will she continue to want to stay with me, but never address anything, but at the same time stress herself out, knowing that she can't give me everything I need, or deserve?

Some part of me says, that as good as we are together, she isn't really able or willing to maintain a healthy romantic relationship with me, and she is better off being friends... But how long can a friend just outright support another friend, while also sacrificing their own intimate needs - being unable to establish another relationship outside of the friendship due to jealousy? This greatly concerns me, and has caused me to question where the relationship is going again. Which is a total 180 degree change for me, from a few weeks ago, when I was considering working on some paperwork needed to officiate getting the two of us married.

I am so confused now. And the shitty part, is that most people will hear this situation, and tell me to send her packing. But, that isn't really what I want to do... But... If I don't, am I then sacrificing my life to an emotionless existence where I just focus on my hobbies and work... And throw away any hope of finding a great emotional bond?

Note: There was a time where I was fully emotionally bonded to Sable, and would refuse to even consider any other female over her. But that has faded, as I realized that she pushes emotions away, and that it was mostly single sided. Would I grow an emotional bond back with her, if she decided she wanted to be intimate again? Hell yes. But for the moment, I know that it is a waste of hope on my end, and so I just enjoy her company as a friend for the most part.

In any case, this makes me sad and depresses me.

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